Thursday, August 4, 2011

Rabbit stole fire from the Weasels (I want to be that Rabbit)

I have not read Stealing Fire from the Gods but I am familiar with the Prometheus myth. More importantly, I saw Sufjan Stevens again in concert at Prospect Park on Tuesday night.

Laying in bed before falling asleep, I looked over to Alaska's pillow and asked:

"Do you think I can do that?"

"Do what?"

"What Shara [Worden] and Sufjan just did this evening."


"Are you sure?"


"It takes so much courage. I have to have that courage."

And I can't get it off my mind. No longer waiting for someone else to appoint me to the position, no longer assuming others' ideas are specialer, no longer satisfied to keep from realizing my instrumental arrangements because of logistics ... new hurdles. How will I get my instrumental ideas into arrangements? How will I develop my voice so that I can express every last drop? But then these questions: How do I write honestly and sing my songs with respect and care for the friends, family, beloveds who emerge in those songs? Some of what I have to say is not cute and it's not pretty. How do I allow myself to be publicly heartbroken, weak, sexual, vengeful, irrational, furious, spiritual, joyous, and uphold a professional profile as a publicist? Will people still hire me if I am, in my own songs, a mess? And will critics and clients trust my taste and judgment if my songwriting skills are simple and fumbling but their music is complex and expert?

And hearkening back, if I tell the truths about my experiences growing up in and leaving an exclusive religious sect, will the harassment start again? Will I start a whole new round of "talking tos" from relatives, eruptions and arguments from those close to me who are still in The Church™, spiritual sympathy cards ("So sorry to hear you are going to Hell! We're praying for you! Remember, the world could end tonight!")? I know I'm fine but will it disrupt my family? Can I go through all of that again? Do I want to?
I just ... I think I have to. John 8:32 and all that.

But will people misunderstand me? Or, maybe worse, will they understand exactly?

1 comment:

  1. Remember...the songs are in you, not OF you...I don't think songwriters should bear the responsibility of how listeners react to their music...the lyrics, though they may bite, can be softened with melody...let the music speak through you, if not for you. The rest will work itself out :) Love your blogs!