to have courage you must first be afraid

It is always a surprise to me when someone says "You are so brave" or "I am not as brave as you are" because I spend a great deal of my time feeling afraid. It doesn't feel cinematic --- the heroic horns of  Howard Shore.

So I started thinking last night about what it really feels like when I do something "courageous," and this is the poem that came out of that.

first:
you have to be
SO

afraid
(so afraid)

you cannot be allowed

YOU CANNOT BE ALLOWED

you cannot be allowed
to even think it

you can't be allowed to start:
or else!

you cannot be allowed to start
to step

you have to be, terribly
you have to be, terribly
you have to be terribly
terribly
terribly bored

terribly bored

(step)
terribly bored
(step)
terribly bored
(st - ep)

TO MAKE A BIG NOISE (THAT SOUND!)

THAT SOUND!!!!

you
have to s.t.t.t.t.and
stand.
stand.
and steady your breath

while accused
(steady your breath)

ri. di. culed.
(steady your breath)

mis. con. strued.
(steady your breath)

.exhumed.

. . . . . . . . . . breath . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . breath . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . breath . . . . . . . . . . .

still alive?
still alive!
still alive!!

you have to need the entire room to turn and face and hold you
be a vacuum for the air, the world's dome, the atmosphere

all of it.

AAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL of it.

NO. not the end.

you have to first forget all of this
like it never happened

start over, begin again.
again. again.

again.

(step)
terribly bored
step
(terribly bored)
step

terribly

WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT. ??

(you have to be afraid to say it)

perhaps humiliated, and ashamed

you have to be afraid to say it
SAY IT
SAY IT

first, it has to be so far away it doesn't exist
impossible, impractical hazy mist

you have to have wasted all your time
WASTED ALL YOUR TIME

you have to be so angry. and so sad.

to have wasted all your time

ok.

you have wasted all your time

ok.

STEP!
STEP!
STEP!

(step)